Thoughts of Zen

“An Ethical Bribe”

For the next 2 weeks, for every new twitter follower Tim Ferriss receives, he will donate $3 ($1 from tim and an anonymous donor matching $2 per $1), through DonorsChoose.com, to  U.S. public school education.

Simple enough, right? Then do it. All it takes is to follow him.

Just a simple click on the “follow” button can make a big difference in the lives of so many children and at absolutely little/to no cost on your behalf. Utilize your social network and make a change in the world other than posting something trivial like “..is at home” or “..is at work”

Use any medium necessary: MySpace. Facebook. Reddit. Digg. Twitter. or what have you.

Spread the word. Save the world.

Click on  http://bit.ly/PxpoQ and see how it all works

oh and there’s a prize for it as well

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Thanks for reading.

~Zen

I’ve been around the block.

I have been around the world. I’ve experienced a lot; seen a lot. I’ve had friends everywhere in I’ve gone. From my junior high friends in Guam. To my friends in the Philippines. To my friends who stuck with me during my stay in Japan. And everyone in between. We all had things in common when we met and I’m quite sure that’s why we stuck together during those times, but we have at least one thing in common now: we don’t remember each other anymore.

I understand that I never really had any roots, moving around so much at a young age. I loved every moment of it. Sure it was difficult to leave friends the first time; being a kid and all kind of gives you the illusion that friends are your most trusted companions –- better than parents could be. Yet having a regularly rotating friends list takes that away. Whether I liked it or not, I had to learn to trust the people who remained close, but not with everything; and that even those people, went away to be replaced by the list.

Those days are gone now though. The days of wanton traveling to other countries; the days of needing to learn a new language; the days where I got myself lost in a foreign city trying to find my way back home as an exercise in immersion. Gone. I’m here now and I find that my usual tactics in dealing with loss are becoming more and more unused and unneeded.

With the way things have been set, I never had any true friends.

I still chuckle a bit every time a MySpace bulletin or Facebook note has me tagged in answering these silly questions: “who’s your best friend?”, “do you trust anyone?”, or anything of that sort.  These days I just try to get by on my own. I learned long ago that no one really gave a damn anyway. I know I don’t. I just do what I can to help the “friends” I have made.

I find that I am torn between two longings; to belong or to not. One of which I am unfamiliar, the other is one I forget as the days go on.

What I do find these days, is that in my vain attempt to make real friends, I have learned very little in how to keep them. I’m starting to think that maybe the things I can offer are just not enough for anyone anymore; not for them, not for me. I guess It’s just nice to be included is all. A simple gesture of acknowledgement; a simple hello or so. Because I know all of it is fleeting; I can accept it. But these days — the longer I am stuck on this rock — I find that it really is not enough.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I literally don’t. I never did learn how to make real friends. As far as I’m concerned, they have all been great. Great acquaintances. To tell you the truth, I’m not actually sure what friendship really is all about. I get told I’m a good friend, but all I can do is nod and agree to something I am completely ignorant about.

I guess until I figure it out, I’m doomed to wander alone in a sea of people. All in the hope that I’ll find real friends someday.

Maybe you’ll know who they are. Maybe.

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Thanks for reading.

~Zen

I was thinking of writing a captivating and interesting first post, but knowing that my excitement and jubilance here — sitting at my desk at 1am — would not contain as much excitement and happiness as when I wrote my very first post in my old blog. So, I  present to you: My very first post. Enjoy.

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Sitting here in my office, since it’s slow, I’m quite bored. I sit here dreaming what it would be like if I had picked different choices, went down a different road, went left instead or right, did this instead of that, etc. You know, the thoughts of any human being when they’ve realized that maybe just maybe that their life isn’t where they wanted to be at that moment.

I’ve been traveling for quite a while now and have seen many places. Became a military dependent at the age of 10 and just started flying. I remember those days leading up to my final days as a local citizen before moving on to becoming a citizen of the world:

“Look Mom! I have so many quarters now. How much would this be?”

“It’s around $6.00, son”

“Wow! That’s so much more in pesos isn’t it, Mom?”

“It’s a lot, son. You’ll be able to use it soon enough.”

“Yay!”

I was a happy child. Not a care in the world other than the fact that there’s been a new and exciting world opened up to him. I would love to be that carefree again. Something uplifting and rejuvenating about it, I guess. I’ve done a lot of things in the past that help shape me to who I am now Though, I always wanted to know if anything I could’ve have done or could’ve have happened to me would have made the outcome of my life MUCH different than what it is currently. I mean drastic changes and not just subtle differences.

For example, what if I did get injured when the school bus crashed? I wouldn’t be able to do the things that I’m free to do now. That’s for sure. What if I punched that kid harder than I would’ve broken his face instead of just slightly maiming him? It wouldn’t have just been a trip to the counselor for us. What if I chose not to come back to Hawaii? What if I didn’t choose to leave Hawaii in the first place?

Such thoughts flow into my mind in such frequency that I can’t help but think of them and try to sort it all out. I sit and relax with friends and family, but these thoughts still rampage through my head. I speak with confidence and experience, but in the back of my head, all I can think of is, “What if?”. Though I am glad I’m still able to sort it all out eventually and lead a productively lazy day. I’m currently sitting in my office. It’s a slow day and I’m bored. I think about the roads less traveled and if I should see if I can backtrack and go around again. But I won’t. Since the road I did travel, got me to where I am now and I’m comfy here.

I’ll post again soon. I just wanted to see what I can actually let out now.

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Thanks for reading

~Zen